I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
