It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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