Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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