now i know why i became what i already was.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
