I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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