I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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