If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
