I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
