MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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