I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
