I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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