I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
