wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
