Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
