I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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