I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
