I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
