I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
