i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
