you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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