1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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