dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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