sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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