you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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