he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
