i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
