just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
