If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
