I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
