...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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