Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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