You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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