she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
