sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I met the friendliest cop last night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
