girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
