The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
