Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You are a genius and a whore.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
