thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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