im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
