Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
