sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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