I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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