I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
