Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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