ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
