Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
