found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
