turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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