Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
