do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
