I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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