I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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