yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
