in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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