Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
