pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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